If I Ever Feel Better

Today's song, If I Ever Feel Better, by Phoenix was released on the album United in 2000. I didn't first hear this song until nine years later. Phoenix is a French rock band. One of the things I love about their songs is the way the lyrics sound in my head. Take for instance their lyric, "Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive" sounds like "feels like a bavarian still life." The song captures much of the mood of this week.

So this week has been, it seems, a magnet for anxiety. With exams, having to climb out of the hole I spent the first of the semester digging, keeping panic attacks at bay. But as much of a magnet for anxiety it's been, it's been a time in which I've been very grateful.

When I'm reaching my stress point it's my natural instinct to withdraw, to avoid even my friends, because I hate exposing my vulnerability, not being able to be my best self. Luckily I have friends who are accepting of me. All of me. Friends who don't let me withdraw and hide my head in the sand until I feel acceptable again. Friends who listen to me and stick around, even when I feel like I've been complaining about the same thing, mourning the same loss, learning the same hard learned lesson again and again.

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control
They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away
You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...
No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know
I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away
Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

So I'm grateful for Kyle who unknowingly lured me out of my apartment for a great evening, a PostSecret event on campus and dinner. I'm grateful for Madi who keeps me young. I'm grateful for Kaity who patiently lets me vent. I'm grateful for Matt who lets me be exactly as I am. I'm grateful for Sheila who reminds me to remind other people of events that I've scheduled. I don't know what I would do without these people. And I'm glad that I don't have to find out.

Hellhole Ratrace (March 27, 2012)

So I am well aware that I am way behind on blog posts. First Spring Break. Then the week after that. Just couldn't get it together. But I will achieve those 365 posts over the next four years, even if some of them are a tad late. Okay so today I'm playing catch up. And what a song to catch up to.

Hellhole Ratrace by the band Girls, was released first as a single in July and then on the album, Album in September of 2009. I had just turned 23. I remember it being a wonderful birthday, full of love and affirmation. But the first time I heard Hellhole Ratrace was during Christmas break, the tail end of December 2011. It played on one of my Pandora stations, probably the one that has Department of Eagles and The National songs in its musical DNA. Anyhow I remember being taken in, on first impression, by the song's trancelike quality, something that I admire about certain favorites of Bon Iver and Radiohead. I decided to download it and the more I listened to it and upon close inspection of the lyrics, the song became a quick favorite. I would even go so far to claim it as a theme song. And maybe this will expose me as some ridiculous emo hipster indie fiend. Well. Think what you want.

I'm sick and tired of the way that I feel
I'm always dreaming and it's never for real
I'm all alone with my deep thoughts
I'm all alone with my heartache and my good intentions

I work to eat and drink and sleep just to live
Feels like I'm never getting back what I give
I've got a sad song in my sweet heart
And all I really ever need is some love and attention

And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me

Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, sugar, it just takes someone else
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, baby, you just need someone else

And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me

Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, honey, it just takes someone else
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, darling, you just need someone else

And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me

Sometimes I just want to drop everything, and be completely still and silent, take a breath and then... only then keep going. The first verses are that need to just be still, the exasperation within myself at every process and need: emotional, mental, physical. I hate the tension in my body, I hate the self doubt, I hate the circling thoughts, pulling my energy down a drain until I just want to lie in bed and cry. And sometimes I do.

But then I get up. And now that I'm thinking about it a memory that comes to mind when I hear this song is one of my favorite times with Madi. She came for a quick visit before she went to Rome, the first weekend of the semester. She spent the night with me in my new apartment. I love Madi. I love so much that I can cry with her and laugh with her, sometimes both at once, and not feel ashamed. She's my partner in crime, she's my dance partner, she's often just the person I need to hear from to turn a bad day around. I remember us "white girl dancing" in my bedroom to wake ourselves up one morning while she was visiting. For whatever reason the dreamy indie feel of this song and that memory are linked in my mind with the same emotion. Laughing and dancing and feeling absolutely myself and absolutely free with Madi generates such a hopeful happy energy. And though it seems unlikely, this song does the same for me. I like to listen to it when I'm overwhelmed, or anxious or sad. It puts me back in focus so that I can't wait to dance again.

While You Were Sleeping (March 19, 2012)

You'll have to forgive me but over spring break I was having so much fun I couldn't possibly bring myself to sit still long enough to create a post coherent enough for consumption. But worry not. This week I'm catching up. Starting with today's post. In fact let's just focus on today.

I chose today's song, While You Were Sleeping by Elvis Perkins (released in 2007), because it's been in my head all day and it's perfect for how I feel today.

I love sleeping. I often have trouble getting to sleep and sometimes have to force myself to bed or I'll be up all night. And I love dreaming. I often remember my dreams, especially the more vivid and visceral ones. I love this song because of those two things.

This morning I didn't even want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep all day not take a step outside my apartment. But I shoved myself out of bed, prompted by all of the things that were on my schedule. And what a world I stepped out into. Sunny and warm. Green grass, bright blooms on the trees. Everywhere I turned, everyone I talked to mirrored back to me the affirmation of life.

And on this day when I remember myself three years ago, ready to quit, unwilling to participate in the life around me and in me, this song makes me think of the time that I have spent asleep figuratively. Tossing and turning in a snug cocoon of depression. Blind to the love all around me. Fearful. Empty.

So on days like this, when it is suddenly spring and the days ahead of incomprehensibly promising, it's astonishing to view everything that has been growing beneath the surface. Trees that I feel sure weren't there a week ago (which could just be a trick of the landscapers), cardinals perched in green bushes, birds singing just before sunrise, clear skies. And nature isn't the only revelation. There are opportunities to serve and proclaim the Word of the Lord, and Madi, her long awaited return, music and images and poetry to be created, and a family I have made, a shelter of love.

It's springtime. The world and I are waking up together.

Salve Nos/Nunc Dimittis

The Nunc Dimittis or the Canticle of Simeon is part of the Gospel of Luke. It's the canticle recited with the Salve Nos during Compline, the night prayer of the church. The first time that I ever heard the Salve Nos, though I did not know it at the time, I was approaching the boundary between being Protestant and being Catholic. It was the spring of my freshman year at Notre Dame and I was at the Basilica for Tenebrae on Good Friday. My first Holy Week at Notre Dame. It was after the Easter Vigil that I decided to make the move to inquire about RCIA, something that had been on my mind and in my heart for the entire school year. I felt a core connection to Catholicism, idealistically, intellectually and instinctively. My journey through RCIA and officially becoming Catholic with have to be something we discuss later. But I distinctly remember that Tenebrae service and singing the Salve Nos, hoping and knowing I would sleep well that night.

Lyrics:
Protect us Lord as we stay awake. Watch over us as we sleep. That awake we may keep watch with Christ and asleep rest in his peace.
Lord now you let your servant go in peace; your word has been fulfilled. My eyes have seen the salvation which you have prepared in the sight of every people, a light to reveal you to the nations and the glory of your people, Israel.
Protect us Lord as we stay awake. Watch over us as we sleep. That awake we may keep watch with Christ and asleep rest in his peace.

Sunday night I was so tired, I was feeling a little mopey and cranky which is not a pretty combination for me. I met Bren at the library to try to get some more work done, finish the blog post I'd been working on since 4pm and then I was going to go to bed. By the time I finally posted, I was strongly doubting that what I wrote was any good... but I was also too tired and pained to put anymore energy into it.
One thing I love about Bren is that I just can't be mad when I'm with him. Because I look at him and he makes a face or says something hilarious or just smiles and I can't stop laughing. I mean I'm still feeling whatever I was feeling but now I'm laughing on top of it and the emotions can't win over laughter. Laughter is too strong.
I coaxed Bren into walking me home and I was really glad that he did. Because once we got in the door I just felt loopy. I remember saying that I was just going to stay up, how I couldn't go to sleep, I had too much work to do and I was going to cut off all my hair and I was so tired and I wanted a cigarette and I was sad and I wanted Bren to cut off my arm with a butter knife.
Bren is a very good sport. Ever the voice of reason he told me I was definitely going to sleep, I was not going to cut my hair or he would shave his beard, (I love his beard I've threatened to quit being his friend if he shaves it) he took the remainder of my cigarettes after we shared one and politely refused to cut off my arm. I remember feeling bad because I was keeping him from getting back to the library to work and being really fussy on top of that.
While we were sitting on the couch Bren, in his efforts to get me to bed, decided to "hypnotize" me. I was very unwilling. "Breathe in. And out. Now just keep doing that." He took the prayer book from the table by the door and read several prayers from it and before I could doze off completely he shuffled me to the stairs (Mike Thomas style) so I could go and get into bed. I fought it a little but he insisted that I was going to have a great dream and sleep so well, and I remembered the night before having a dream about Michael and I saving these dolphins. So, I agreed. And then he stood at the foot of the stairs and sang the nunc dimittis and salve nos.
That was the best part. I never remember being sung to or rocked or read at bedtime. I remember my stepdad used to tell me scary stories as I was heading to bed, things that still used to terrify me until just a few years ago. But I really loved that: being sung to, and as my eyes were closing I couldn't think of a single thing to worry about. All I had was the immensity of love, how much I loved Bren and how much Bren must love me, and I was very happy as I went to sleep. Because I don't think I give Bren enough credit sometimes. But I really love and appreciate him, and he's very good to me.

Peaceful the World Lays Me Down

Noah and the Whale's debut album, Peaceful, the World Lays Me Down, was released in the United States September 16, 2008. The same day as the 85 billion dollar government bailout to AIG and the death of Motown songwriter Norman Whitfield, who wrote many of the Temptations's big hits. I had just turned twenty-two. I threw myself a glorious party, complete with tequila shots, a procession of cakes, and slow dancing to Ben Fold's cover of Bitches Ain't Shit with tiara askew. But I wouldn't happen upon Noah and the Whale's album until the next year, around Easter.

In the spring of 2009, smarting from a slew of fresh failures, I went to St. Gregory's Abbey to get some solid footing and I remember listening to this album (which I had probably downloaded during my stint as a WVFI DJ) while I was there. I didn't and don't usually listen to music while I'm at the Abbey, and I'm not sure why I made the exception during that visit, but I immediately loved the album. It's still a go to cure for those really awfully hopeless days where the world is very dark and drab. Listening to that album helped the writing that I did at the Abbey turn out much brighter than I felt at that time. I remember writing a birthday poem for Sam, inspired by maybe one or all of the songs but today we're just going to talk about the title track.

Lyrics:
Oh, well it's hard to look deep into your soul. Not everything you find will be perfect gold.
There are ghosts and demons that hide in the dark. Oh, they wait till I find love and then they laugh.
Oh, they know that my body is no way good enough know that my heart is no way strong enough
to bear the sorrow that love brings. When I coil in fear, oh, the demons sing

It's a hollow love for a heart with no blood in its veins.

Oh, it's a hollow love for a heart with no blood in its veins.

Oh, there is no endless devotion, that is free from the force of erosion.
Oh, and if you don't believe in God, how can you believe in love?
When we're all just matter that will one day scatter,
when peaceful the world lays us down.

Oh and finding love is a matter of luck, oh and unsettled lovers move from fuck to fuck.
Oh, and compare their achievements like discussing bereavements
And compare their abrasions with romantic quotations,
Oh, as peaceful, the world watches down.

But oh we were blown out of the water. Oh, and we walk on the feet we have grown.
Oh we were given a heart, of which love was a part.
Oh, and we call it the thing from which all life will spring.
And it gave value to the world that surrounds us

But we consider the world just for a moment Oh and it's gone before we even know
Oh but I'll follow it round yeah I'll follow it round Oh I'll follow it round yeah I'll follow it round
Till peaceful, the world lays me down

When I first heard this song I was approaching a particular boundary in my life. I was moving from being dead to being alive. Or I guess more appropriately, wanting to be dead to wanting to be alive. In fact it took almost a year to really want to be alive again. I think the willingness to live is strongly connected to the ability to love oneself. And I think what makes trauma, sin basically, so devastating is that it inhibits the ability to love... perhaps especially to love oneself. But this is just my personal experience and opinion. I struggle with loving myself consistently. I don't think I am alone in that struggle. More importantly, I am not alone in loving myself.

Progression is one of the things I love about this song. The sense of progression from beginning to end until the song feels like a snake eating its own tail. The song feels whole to me. Charlie Fink's understated vocals betraying the emotional swell of the lyrics and instruments. And when he sings of love in this song, I think of self love mainly, just because it makes the most sense to me that way. I want this song played when I die (of natural causes, many years from now) at the wake, not the funeral. And on a brighter note, I enjoy listening to this song on the way home, especially if I will go to bed as soon as I get there. It's a good end of the day song. I find it reassuring, and honest, and most of all encouraging.

Leaping

So in the back of my mind I've been thinking of ways to get back into blogging. And just writing and journaling in general. I finally found my way back into journaling but I still had this blog, which I never update. Yesterday, the glorious Leap Day fairy slid a bit of inspiration in my ears and now I know what I must do.

Scaling down the drama a bit, I'm going to write about music. More specifically songs. More specifically songs that are significant to me. And knowing that this blog will be solely frequented by my closest friends it might mainly turn into occasional love letters to those people dearest to my heart through the vehicle of our mutual admiration of lyric, tone, and harmonious instrumentality.

Today's post is just to set down the foundation. To inform and think through what I want this to be. Every four days for the next four years (until the next Leap Year) I will do my best to post on a song of instinctual and intuitive significance to me, my life, my experiences. They will be songs that I love, songs that I listen to frequently, songs that produce in me a kind of envy because someone beat me to artfully articulating a feeling or thought, mood or desire, question or dream.

What I would love to do, but might not be able to do for all songs, is go through time with the chosen song: past, present, future. I want to talk about the song historically, as in the song's own history and the song within the context of my life. Specifics of the song as well as the first time I heard the song, how I was introduced to it. I want to talk about my relationship and connection to the song. Why it's so special to me. And since I like to organize and categorize things. So each song will get dropped into "playlists" that coincide with significant events: Funeral (I'm not going to pretend like I don't have a plan for that), Wedding Reception (or that), Dance, Roadtripping, Love Songs, Heartache, Melancholy, BFF Songs etc.

I'm excited about this. Mostly this is just a way to keep myself writing. And maybe it's too lofty a goal... maybe I won't follow through but... I'm hopeful.

Next 15 Posts: I'm going to start with songs on my most frequently played playlist, songs I listen to to keep myself swimming.