Hellhole Ratrace by the band Girls, was released first as a single in July and then on the album, Album in September of 2009. I had just turned 23. I remember it being a wonderful birthday, full of love and affirmation. But the first time I heard Hellhole Ratrace was during Christmas break, the tail end of December 2011. It played on one of my Pandora stations, probably the one that has Department of Eagles and The National songs in its musical DNA. Anyhow I remember being taken in, on first impression, by the song's trancelike quality, something that I admire about certain favorites of Bon Iver and Radiohead. I decided to download it and the more I listened to it and upon close inspection of the lyrics, the song became a quick favorite. I would even go so far to claim it as a theme song. And maybe this will expose me as some ridiculous emo hipster indie fiend. Well. Think what you want.
I'm sick and tired of the way that I feel
I'm always dreaming and it's never for real
I'm all alone with my deep thoughts
I'm all alone with my heartache and my good intentions
I work to eat and drink and sleep just to live
Feels like I'm never getting back what I give
I've got a sad song in my sweet heart
And all I really ever need is some love and attention
And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, sugar, it just takes someone else
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, baby, you just need someone else
And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, honey, it just takes someone else
Sometimes you've just got to make it for yourself
Sometimes, darling, you just need someone else
And I don't want to cry my whole life through
I want to do some laughing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me
And I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me
Sometimes I just want to drop everything, and be completely still and silent, take a breath and then... only then keep going. The first verses are that need to just be still, the exasperation within myself at every process and need: emotional, mental, physical. I hate the tension in my body, I hate the self doubt, I hate the circling thoughts, pulling my energy down a drain until I just want to lie in bed and cry. And sometimes I do.
But then I get up. And now that I'm thinking about it a memory that comes to mind when I hear this song is one of my favorite times with Madi. She came for a quick visit before she went to Rome, the first weekend of the semester. She spent the night with me in my new apartment. I love Madi. I love so much that I can cry with her and laugh with her, sometimes both at once, and not feel ashamed. She's my partner in crime, she's my dance partner, she's often just the person I need to hear from to turn a bad day around. I remember us "white girl dancing" in my bedroom to wake ourselves up one morning while she was visiting. For whatever reason the dreamy indie feel of this song and that memory are linked in my mind with the same emotion. Laughing and dancing and feeling absolutely myself and absolutely free with Madi generates such a hopeful happy energy. And though it seems unlikely, this song does the same for me. I like to listen to it when I'm overwhelmed, or anxious or sad. It puts me back in focus so that I can't wait to dance again.
No comments:
Post a Comment