I was watching OWN yesterday. At the Darden's house, while James and Dennis were at some beach house. I watched two episodes of her Master Class series where she was speaking about her childhood and the Oprah show. I thought it was odd, just the day before several different friends asked me why I hadn't sent my chapbook to Oprah yet, "She can't read it if you don't send it to her."
the above was started on Tuesday, it is now Friday.
I still think I might need to sell my iPad. That's a possibility I'm okay with. Last night I broke off my Facebook engagement. Broke off the friendship period. And I notice this flaw, well tendency in myself: the willingness to sever a tie or avoid a relationship that in my mind has become irreparable. I'm not going to hash this out here. But I think it's fair to note that I have spent most of my life unable and unwilling to sever connections that were detrimental, taking all the blame when things didn't work, essentially throwing myself under the bus.
And don't we have to end up letting go of things in all the ways we never wanted to. People who snatch themselves out of your arms, or even who withhold themselves and then refuse to understand why you close yourself and walk away even once they decide to continually thrust themselves into you face haphazardly. Things we try to push on ourselves simply because we want or need to prove something. Anything to anyone.
Mon Dieu, I just don't ever want to be selfish. Mostly because I am aware that I need a lot. And since I know I'm not alone in that, I'd somehow like to contribute when other people need.
So I guess maybe a recap of Houston is in order. I only saw my mom once. I didn't ever get to the catholic worker here or any of the art museums I wanted to visit, not for lack of trying. I did make it to mass every week, except the first Sunday I was here. I have plans to see Brit and my uncle before I leave. I hung out with Stacy, Kim, Sylvia and Oliver finally, got to see Guy twice. Was able to give those people chapbooks. I haven't mailed one letter or made one book but something tells me that I'll get that done right after I get to Vermont. I didn't get to walk Rei, I feel like I barely ate enough vegetables, I probably have scurvy. I didn't finish any books, though I did get through twenty chapters of Timequake yesterday. I watched four movies I'd never seen before. I permed my hair. I did laundry twice. I probably smoked at least fifty cigarettes. I only found out a thimbleful of info on my grandmothers.
I'm going to Vermont!
"Sing, if you can sing, and if not still be musical inside yourself."
--Mary Oliver, More Evidence
Location:Wisteria St,Bellaire,United States
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